You Are Not Yourself, Maybe You Never Will Be

Find a girl who wrote emails to screenwriters,

Hoping to learn their craft.

Find a girl whose name rang out in hallways,

…yes, i won awards, yes i was the big fish just like you were…

Find a child who wasn’t afraid of herself

Who didn’t find FL/A}SHBAC(KS!

Who didn’t scream FLASHBACK

Who couldn’t inhale but could breathe.

Bring me Alicia who used to

Used to was better at loved to

Had something she loved

Besides loving a person,

Who had enough love for everything.

Find me the version that dreamed of this thing

That has ruined the person who dreamed.

We work in deceit

My mother is an actress, she makes suburbia her stage

She smiles when she wants to shout, she covers up her rage

Her tears always evaporate, before you get too close

She’s one of broadway’s brightest

She’s the star of every show.

My father is a ringmaster. He likes to have control

He orchestrates the dancers and the people that he owns

He hides his face with stage makeup, tophats, coats, and bows

You can never be too sure about

What he says and what he knows

I grew up as an actress, I feigned innocence and peace

I spent my childhood lion-taming, pushing back their screams

I’ve outgrown the bigtop, I detest the backstage wings

I was never meant to have these homes

I was meant for better things.

I’ve heard it said that writers are just glorified liars

But I’ll keep selling fiction as long as they remain my buyers

I’ve heard it said, it’s not surprising, what I want to be

After all, the apple, doesn’t fall far from the tree