Beginning of an Apology

Here’s what I want to say:

I hate being naïve.

I hate being a child

At the bottom of a stairwell

And I know I’m a child,

At the bottom of a stairwell,

But I want to feel powerful too.

I read that as: synonymous:

Taste what it’s like to be cruel.

I had a wet dream

About wielding my organs

In a way that would let me hurt someone.

I read that as: antonymous:

You are virgin of “Virgin Conqueror,”

You are third of “first love,”

You are victim of “child abuse”

If it even was “child abuse,”

You are weak/you are low/you are wrong.

And I know that it’s shitty and you didn’t ask for

Co-opted pain to be my release

But I haven’t learned how to touch myself right

I haven’t learned how to love myself right

I thought that your words were so touching, alright?

And I made a mistake.

Unspeakably.

Eleven (11)

I am closing my eyes to see you.

I see you with closed eyes.

You seem,

In pain,

My hands are holding your face.

I am kissing your forehead.

Nothing else matters,

Although all of you matters.

But my love is leaving my lips.

The minute hand turns and I

Cross myself

Did you feel it?

That was my wish.

You Are Not Yourself

It’s hot here.

Muggy.

And I’m sitting in the chair where I sat when I screamed at you

,Best I could.

Best I could muster,

When it feels so wrong to hate you.

When it’s hard for me to even despise you

To be anything other than swindled.

But I’m not swindled.

I’m just sad.

I just miss you want to hold you, want to feel my empty parts taken up by you,

And filled, like a river, just like water

Like this swimming pool.

I wish that I was stronger

Strong enough to fight you.

But that’s the problem, that’s the rub

Soft rub, gentle rub, no one’s ever kissed my forehead

(the way that you do)

See,

(do you see me?)

I don’t want to.

Future Lover

Future lover

We are getting ice cream.

I see you in the crevices of light, little chinks of golden glow between the palm leaves.

You are the reds (of course)

And the greens

You are burnished copper.

I never thought that sunrises were as spectacular

But you did.

We’re with your family, and they

Tell me sunrise is better.

Future lover, I took you for tea

You fell in love the way I did with

Nostalgia stacked,

What I had left.

You saw all I had to give.

You loved me.

I am more than enough,

My family tells you,

Get married in the morning.

You nod your head and silently smile

You know some things

are better.

Ex Lover

Maybe I need to remind myself,

Future me,

How it felt to be with him.

I don’t want you to forget.

Maybe it would help to trace the outline

Of his face and ask yourself

What more you wanted than this.

I’ve only listened to his heart a couple times

But I’m sure it’s full of things complex and tired just like mine

I’m sure he wants the same from me.

I’ll tell you how it felt, then

To kiss him.

Felt like sharing our umbrella

Oxygen tank

Felt like melting at the same rate

Newton’s law of slow unconsciousness.

If only I could describe to you,

The shadows on his body shape

Those were the places

My mouth wanted most, maybe because

I related.

Remember:

The backs of his ears.

It’s an uncommon thing to be allowed to touch there.

Please remember:

The feeling of being clean

Of being terrified, but safe

Of feeling wanted.

No, I know I’m wanted.

This was more than

that.

 

Resolved

Nope. Me neither.

I won’t make up any New Year’s resolutions.

I don’t want to boil down my future to a checklist. I want to spend this year and the next and every indeterminable length of time after those to continue to move forward, to always feel better and happier and stronger, to accomplish things I didn’t know I wanted to do. I will be better for the good things that happen without my expecting them; much less my planning for them. I will be better for the curve balls and the epiphanies and every single thrilling discovery I make.

After all, falling in love was a curve ball.

Essay writing was an epiphany.

Happiness is a resolution which can neither be written down nor ever checked off.

I wouldn’t want it to be.

But for my immediate future? Yes, I have some thoughts. Some guidelines.

I want to stop being ashamed of putting the highest emphasis on connections with people I love. I want to start being better at allowing those connections to exist; to reach out to the friends who were kind to me, who I miss, to stop ruling myself an outsider and cordoning myself off.

I have a feeling that 2017 will be a year that needs a lot of postage.

I have a feeling you’ll be hearing from me soon. /