Beginning of an Apology

Here’s what I want to say:

I hate being naïve.

I hate being a child

At the bottom of a stairwell

And I know I’m a child,

At the bottom of a stairwell,

But I want to feel powerful too.

I read that as: synonymous:

Taste what it’s like to be cruel.

I had a wet dream

About wielding my organs

In a way that would let me hurt someone.

I read that as: antonymous:

You are virgin of “Virgin Conqueror,”

You are third of “first love,”

You are victim of “child abuse”

If it even was “child abuse,”

You are weak/you are low/you are wrong.

And I know that it’s shitty and you didn’t ask for

Co-opted pain to be my release

But I haven’t learned how to touch myself right

I haven’t learned how to love myself right

I thought that your words were so touching, alright?

And I made a mistake.


Two lovers converged in a dark emerald wood

Two lovers converged in a dark emerald wood

And the fork in the road led to the ocean

The dock opened up to the swirl of the the rain and the world

And the night was caught in lips that caught each other.

And the warmth of my wrists that carried a spark

Through the roots and the firs towards the house with the key

That we knew the secret hiding place of.

The counter was cool and the bannister felt like satin- like skin- like supple fingers trailing down my stomach

In the cool dark cavern that was A Place To Ourselves

In the deep high fever of my wanting for him

His wanting for me

Wanting each other.

Two lovers converged like hail falling on hail, each drop pop jump was a coupling- an embrace in the hallway on our way to the bed-

and the end of the night

under pillows of liquor.

And the swatch of vanilla fire fizzling thickly on my thumbs my tongue and my swaying feet

And the quiet fast happiness of a Beatles song

And a sloppy fast slowdance

And kisses.

Rush gave way to rush

Breath gave way to touch

And I stroked his back like I needed to

Like I cared that much.

And he felt it.

In the cabin in the storm in the night in the jagged sickness

He felt it.

And that made all the difference.